Need to parent differently now your kid’s a teen or tween? 5 techniques that actually work

As your child approaches their teenage years, they’ll want more independence, their emotions will run higher and you might see more disagreements in your household.

This is normal. Adolescence – which starts at around ten – is a time of rapid brain, social and emotional development. Teens also start turning away from parents and more towards friends.

But supportive parenting is one of the strongest protective factors for young people’s mental health. Close parent-child relationships reduce the risk of mental health problems and help teenagers cope with stress.

What if the parenting strategies you used in your child’s younger years no longer cut it? Here are five evidence-based strategies to stay connected and support your adolescent during this time of growing independence.

1. Coach them on emotions

Teens often have intense emotions but may not yet know how to manage them. Emotion coaching means helping your child recognise and understand feelings instead of dismissing them.

If your child comes home upset after an argument with friends, a common response might be to tell them, “Don’t worry about it.”

Emotion coaching focuses on understanding the feeling before trying to solve the problem. For example, “That sounds really upsetting. Do you want to tell me what happened?” This helps them feel understood and learn they can handle emotions.

Emotion coaching is linked with better emotional regulation, stronger parent-child relationships and fewer behavioural problems.

Read more: Parents are increasingly saying their child is ‘dysregulated’. What does that actually mean?

2. Actively listen

Teenagers quickly notice when parents are distracted. Active listening means giving your full attention and showing you genuinely care about what your child is saying.

Simple actions such as putting away your phone, making eye contact and reflecting back what you hear can make a big difference. You might say: “It sounds like you felt left out when that happened,” and ask follow-up questions.

You don’t have to agree with everything your child says. The goal is to show you are trying to understand.

Adolescents who feel heard by their parents are more likely to talk about challenges such as friendships, school stress and risky situations.

3. Avoid judgement

Many teenagers stop sharing problems because they expect criticism. Sometimes criticism is obvious, other times it’s unintended. When parents respond with worry or advice, for example, “You shouldn’t have done that. That was risky.”

Parents can model calm, non-judgemental responses to mistakes. Instead of scolding, you might say: “Thanks for telling me. Can you walk me through what happened?”

This doesn’t mean ignoring problems. It means separating the behaviour from blame or shame and keeping the conversation open.

Teens who feel their parents accept them are less likely to engage in risky behaviour and more likely to seek support.

4. Set clear boundaries

As children grow, they push for independence. Clear and consistent boundaries help teenagers feel safe while learning responsibility. Boundaries might include expectations around screen time, schoolwork, curfews, or respectful behaviour.

Teens are more likely to cooperate when rules are explained and discussed rather than imposed without conversation. For example: “You can go out with friends. Let’s agree on a time to be home so we know you’re safe.”

It also helps to talk about consequences if rules are broken. Short-term logical consequences are often easier for parents to follow through. If a rule about phone use is broken, for example, a consequence might be losing access to their phone the next day instead of the whole week.

Young people do best when parents combine warmth with clear expectations. But rules may need adjusting as teens mature.

5. Help teens solve their own problems

Parents naturally want to step in and fix difficulties. But adolescence is a key period for developing independence and, importantly, managing challenges.

Teenagers with stronger problem-solving skills cope better with stress and are less likely to develop mental health difficulties.

So instead of offering solutions immediately, guide your child through the process. Ask questions such as: “What do you think your options are?” or “What might happen if you tried that?”

This builds confidence and resilience. Parents can still offer support and advice but letting teenagers take the lead prepares them for adult life.

Read more: We talk a lot about being ‘resilient’. But what does it actually mean?

What if you or your teen need more support?

Ups and downs are normal, but sometimes you or you teen may need extra help.

If your teen has ongoing mood changes, is withdrawing from friends, refusing school, having problems sleeping, or they’re talking about hopelessness, talk to your GP, the school counsellor or a psychologist. Raise your concerns with your teen before booking an appointment so they feel part of the process rather than a problem to be fixed.

If there’s constant conflict at home that doesn’t improve, or you’re looking for more tips and guidance, online programs for parents of teens can be useful. These include Teen Triple P (low cost) and SuperParent Powers (free). Websites such as Family and Child Connect and Raising Children Network also offer practical advice and support for families facing challenges.

For more tailored support, families can access clinical care through state-run Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAHMS or CYMHS), as well as community-based family support services for parenting and relationship challenges through the Family Relationship Advice Line (1800 050 321) or Parentline (different numbers in each state).

The teenage years can be challenging, but they’re an important developmental period. This stage often brings new opportunities to build trust, foster independence and watch your child develop their own values, strengths and identity. Small shifts in parenting can help you stay connected and support them as they transition to adulthood.